Yeah I might be a mum again

Well to my pet birds eggs lol She has laid four eggs one she dropped so it cracked.  However, she has got three eggs so you never know we may have little chirps in a few days.  My boys are so excited and cant wait they want to start naming the eggs lol.  Lets hope she can look after her new family watch this space….

Wanting another child

After having had a miscarriage I have realised I really want another child.  I just don’t know if I could risk loosing it again.  I have been thinking about adopting.  I need to be a mum again I know people will think I am mad because I have three young boys.  I would love to have a daughter that’s the problem.  I want to have the girlie nights in and shopping trips.  My boys don’t want to know lol which of course is ok.  I just have this ache within me and I need to deal with it I know.  Today has been a bad day I have felt really down.  I sat in th car and cried for my lost baby.  I know other members of my family especially my husband lost a child too.  I know I am being selfish but I just cant help my feelings.  Each day I think today will be ok and I then just need someone to ask me how I am and I crumble.  Grief is a very hard thing to deal with I know I have had my share.  I wish I could erase 2007 from my life and even the start of this year its been crap.  I know I have to pull myself together but sometimes I just want to scream WHY ME ! WHAT HAVE I DONE.  I try to be a good person and treat someone right so I really don’t understand why I just keep getting more and more crap.  I feel like everyone is laughing at me.  Maybe I need to check if I have a target on my back.

Yeah success at last…….

Well I have been trying to get my little boy who just turned three to use his potty. I may add to no avail everything was dirty and he screamed, I am not use to this has my other children were out of nappies by the age of two. We tried everything to get him you know praise, promising of presents and sweets. No nothing worked. However, today I got the idea to draw a funny face inside his potty and I asked him to have a wee on it and HE DID. I thought this just might have been beginners luck but he then said about half an hour later he wanted to wee on the funny face and he did. I am not going to build my hopes up that we have cracked this overnight but things are looking good. Well done Keith you are a superstar.

Best laid plans mmmmmm

Well what can I say… I took my youngest to daycare today and mine and my husbands plan was to take the two older kids out somewhere for the morning. So after dropping my son off we took my other boys to first of all get their hair cut. Calum the eldest wanted his hair cut like James Blunt the singer and Conor wanted his hair like John conor of terminator 2. Well after the trip to the hairdressers we took them to a kids playcentre which they really enjoyed letting off steam and having fun. It was really nice seeing them running around playing and not fighting with each other. Anyway we promised them that after they had finished playing we would go into the restaurant for their dinners. Just as we are walking out of the place my husband informs me he has two missed calls off my mum. Then my mobile starts ringing it was my mum. I answered the phone to my mum sobbing down the phone. The daycare centre has been trying to contact you keith has had a fall. My stomach did a flip then I said what did they say oh he has fell and he is confused and he is loosing is balance when he tries to walk. They want you to take him to A&E. We drove straight there and by the way my other kids said does this mean we are not going to eat can we not go and eat after we get Keith. You know typical kid that only what they want matters. Well I have to say thank god my little boy was ok they said just keep an eye on him. So another day has passed where everything I wanted to get done never. However I have my son and he is ok so thats even better. The boys said so can we go tomorrow mum and bring Keith too. They remembered they had a little brother finally lol

Help

Hi to all who visit.  I would like some help in finding my husbands eldest daughter.  Her name was Stacey Fiddes she lived in the Denton Burn area of newcastle upon tyne in the UK with her mum Dawn Fiddes.  We dont know if she has been married and changed name.  We know that Stacey is roughly 22-23 years of age we know that she has got a child of her own.  We are trying to get in touch with her because her siblings are wanting to know their big sister.  We have tried these search sites but they all are wanting quite a lot of money and we really dont have the money at the min.  So if anyone can help in anyway with suggestions on how we can trace them and start contact with her or her mum.  Please Please let us know.

World of warcraft widow

Is anyone else out there a world of war craft widow.  I know I am I hope I am not the first and I definatley wont be the last.  Dont get me wrong I like playing the game now and again but to me it is not the be all and end all.  Unlike my husband at every given oppurtunity he is on his computer playing one of his characters.  I think the old saying men never grow up and boys and their toys is so very true.  If anyone should disturb him you better be ready for that look he gives the one that well how shall I say slaps you in the face.  My decorating around the house does not get done the kids need to be exra silent he needs to concentrate.  I hate the amount of time he spends playing that game.  However, I love him and if that is the only vice he has and hes not cheating on me or his kids then well I suppose I wont name the creator of world of warcraft on my divorce if it happens lol

Returning to work

Well on Thursday I am returning to work after being off for three weeks after my miscarriage.  I could have had another week off work but I think if I dont push myself I will never go back.  I have to be honest I am dreading it and people asking me how I am.  I am also dreading the fact I will get my arse kicked for losing my baby.  You see my employer will treat this as normal sick and yep you guessed it we operate a scale of sickness where I work.   So I will be sat down in a room and told how I will be getting a warning or some sort of disciplinary like that.  I so dont want to go back, unfortunately my husband isnt working at the min so I have no choice you have to keep a roof over you head and food in your kids stomachs right.  I am also not looking forward to putting on a false smile and being really pleasant to people when too be truthfull all I want to do is be alone to get everything that has gone on lately straight in my head.  Why is it I wonder that I always thought I was a pretty strong character and able to hold my own when I have realised I am not like that at all.  I so wish I could be one of these people who can just switch off their emotions and be like a robot.  Never letting anything pierce their armour and mess with their circuits.  I guess I am something I vowed I would never be…… yes you guessed it.  JUST LIKE MY MUM Arrrggggggghhhhhhh.  How cruel life can be sometimes. lol Only jokin my mum is a great person but is very emotional and I guess I am starting to be like her.  Well there is time I suppose to maybe tweek that and refine it and come out with someone who can maybe learn to handle things just a little bit better. Fingers crossed.

What a weird couple of days

Well what can I say it was my youngests 3rd birthday on 6th april and on that day unexpected my fatherinlaw and a relative turned up.  It was really nice to see them and the kids to see their grandad.  I asked him if when he went to see my husbands kids from his first marriage if he could ask for some pics.  My husband has not been in contact with them for a number of years.  Not for the want of trying may I add.  Anyway after a visit to my mums we returned and I received a phone call from my husbands ex wife and she informed me she would ring me back later about sending some pics.  Well she did and we spoke for about an hour about this and that you know small talk.  But she informed that she would send pics and could we.  After a couple of emails from my husbands daughter to my eldest she said she would love to meet her brothers and my husbands oldest child from a previous relationship.  So It was really nice to see how his kids look and how grown up and nice they look learning a bit about them.  I hope this is the start of some sort of relationship with us all here.  However,  we are finding it really hard to trace my husbands daughter everywhere wants money and to be truthfull we just dont have it at the min so if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Time passes so quick

Boy three years ago today I was preparing myself for my stay in hospital.  What I mean by this is I had to go into hospital to be induced due to my waters breaking early.  I was so excited I was going to meet my third child and my new son.  I hate hospital I have to say the only thing that made that stay bearable was I knew I would hold my new baby.  I cant believe that three years has been and gone.  With so many ups and so many downs.  Some I dont want to even think about because they have been so hurtfull and hard to deal with.  I think in my lifetime I honestly feel that life really has tested me to the limit on so many occassions.  Then I take a step back and look at my beautifull boys with all their elements that make them special and say to life “BRING IT ON!” I can handle it or I will die trying lol.  My baby boy is three tomorrow he is named after my late father who I so desperatley miss.  My son is like my dad which I think is weird has my dad passed away a number of years before my son was born.  I reckon my dad would be laughing if he could see some of the things they get up to.  Like yesterday me and my husband and youngest went shopping my son decided some lady was in his way and he piped up mind your butt lady with a winning cheeky grin.  Of course I did the parent who was shocked and annoyed and told my son off and told him he had to say sorry to the lady.  She was laughing I may add so had not taken it the wrong way.  It was so hard to keep the angry face on to him because all I wanted to do was laugh.  Believe me with what I have had to deal with recently losing my fourth child there have been very few things I wanted to laugh at.  I look at my three boys and I know they are young but I see them growing up and becoming more independent every day.  I hope life will be good to them.  I know tomorrow on my sons birthday he will think it has when he opens all his presents and gets his Thomas the tank engine cake.

Getting there…… well trying

Well I am still alive and kicking.  I just feel so deflated if that makes sense.  Confused and well simply down.  Life I know goes on and I know it as to go on.  You still question why things so bad happen in life.   Am I a bad person for thinking I have had so much crap in my life why cant it happen to those bad people in the world those killers and child abusers etc.  Then I think well you only get the crap that you can handle.  I just think this will take time to handle it better.  This will test exactly who I really am and who I want to be I suppose.  I know I have good support around me in my family and I thank god for that.