Angel up high guide me through these troubled waters.  Let there be calm waters with ripples of joy.  May my life be one of learning.  Let my heart be open to love.  Let my eyes see the goodness, purity and innocence in people I thought was lost.  Let the dark clouds banish and let the sunbeams warm my chilled face.  Let the rain drops wash my worries away.  Let the wind blow opportunities my way.  But most of all let me be me.

Last night me and my husband made the mistake of going outside to clean the back yard. The reason I say it was a mistake is because my two cats got out. We didn’t realise this until later on in the night when one of the cats appeared at the front door when my husband took some rubbish out. For some unknown reason we assumed the other cat was in the house. Anyway after watching the TV and deciding we were bother tired we started the routine of feeding the animals and turning appliances off etc. Well I went upstairs got into my PJ’s and settled down to watch a bit of TV in bed. The next thing I know my husband comes upstairs to inform me he wont be joining me in bed. He told me that our other cat was missing and he was going to have a walk about the streets to see if he could get him in. Well after about 20 mins he came back in and told me there was no sign of him. So Yes you guessed it I went out into the garden in my PJS to trying and help after about an hour we still had no joy. So although I did not want to go to bed with out him being back and me being the worrier that I am I decided we need to get to bed. Well I never settled properly but at 4.30 am we heard an all mighty noise outside. Two cats fighting, me and my husband jumped out of bed ran downstairs to see if one of them was ours. Yep it was he was fighting with the neighbours cat boy the chase was fun for my husband who had no shoes on his feet across the street under a car over the round round a bend and on a grass verge lol Well he grabbed him claws and fur flying but we got him in. So my heart was racing something terrible and we went back to bed. When we got up a couple of hours later we checked him out and he was a bit sore but boy did that cat get spoilt. It was loosing one of my kids I have told the cat he is grounded for the rest of his life lol

The culprit Sylvanis

Today I sat and watched a TV programme which was the Maury show from America. The show was talking about 9/11 and in particular a pair of brothers called Joseph and John Vigiano. These two men were serving officers in the fire brigade and the police force. These two brothers had gone to work a normal day in their lives they had said their goodbyes to their wives and children and even spoke to their father that day and told him they loved him. They have actually made a film relating to their stories which won an Oscar. It really hit home today after watching this programme seeing a couple of faces and their stories behind the numbers of the dead. I sat and cried and I am not ashamed to admit I felt the pain for their families and friends. The show was really good and at the end they brought one of the men’s children on and gave them loads of toys. Which I thought was really nice but I couldn’t help thinking although it was a nice gesture it did not bring their father back. The two men’s father was there telling his story about his brave children and I just thought this is so wrong for this man to know he as out lived his children how on the scale of life this is not meant to happen. I know we all experience loss of a loved one at some point in our life whether it is expected or not but what a tragic loss to have lost all his children in one go. I know that they live on in their children but they will not see them grow and experience life. I know that I am very lucky that I did not have a loved one or anyone truthfully that I knew die on that awful day. All I can say is my thoughts really do go out to anyone who was affected on that day and as we are approaching another anniversary of that day. I sit down and honestly think we have suppose to have moved on from the days when we settled our disagreements with fists, we honestly haven’t we are still such a barbaric race at times. When will we ever be able to stop all senseless killings. Never in my life time I am sure.

Well after loosing my second pregnancy the hospital have actually heard my concerns.  Normally they wait untill you have lost three pregnancy’s.  However, because this happened so soon after the first one and very quickly and of course my age.  That’s me being 38 years old, they are going to refer me to a special clinic.  This will do some tests on my bloods and hopefully help me to succeed a healthy pregnancy.  I have to wait six weeks before they can do anything because they need all the traces of the hormones in my body to have gone.  I actually felt like there maybe a glimmer of hope for me to actually have another child.  If this doesn’t work then me and my husband have discussed adoption.  Which hopefully we will be acceptable for that.  So I am now keeping my fingers crossed.  So if anyone out there can keep their fingers crossed too then thank you.

I couldn’t believe it today when I was reading the paper.  There was an article showing a picture of a cow which had escaped and abattoir and then fell down a manhole.  Helpers tried to flush the cow out but unfortunately for the cow they could not help this way.  It ended in the rescuers having to sedate the cow and then pull it out.  One thing it never said in the article was if the cow was took back to be slaughtered that would have just been a bit of bad luck after the near escapes it had don’t you think.

Well today me and my husband decided to take all the boys out to crimdon dene for a walk and to take one of our dogs with us.  We got there fine and got down to the beach and you know I don’t know why I said it but I did.  I told the boys to keep out of the water.  Which of course was a stupid statement to make to three boys aged 9, 5 and 3 years.  Of course every puddle and pool and drop of water called their names and told them it was ok to jump in the water with socks and shoes on.  I know its a kid thing honest I do.  Its just normally I am prepared and bring towels and change of clothes but for some reason I thought we were just taking the dog for a walk lol.  The boys did enjoy themselves until it was time to come home then they did the normal whinge all the way back to the car.  Their feet hurt, their legs hurt they were hungry they were thirsty the list never ends.  They had a new moan and complaint for every step back to the car until they spotted an ice cream van to which the requests came thick and fast.  So the deal negotiated was they could have an ice cream only if they stopped moaning.  They agreed and yep you guest it their side of the deal lasted until the last lick of ice cream was taken and then they started again.  It was one of those days when you really wish you hadn’t even bothered to have a family day out to try and have some fun together.  My thoughts I have to admit did consist of how many hours is it till their bed time lol.  Well tomorrow is a new day so lets hope that all the sea air helped wash out their pain in the bum moaning.

Well I was expecting again I would have been seven weeks tomorrow.  Unfortunately it was not to be again.  On Wednesday I started to bleed and I knew in myself it was over.  It was made even worse because we were going to meet my stepdaughter Stacey at Newcastle.  We were late getting there because we had to visit A&E then when we got out of there I told my husband we should go because the bleeding wasn’t excessive and I felt ok.  I wasn’t in any pain.  So we made the journey to Newcastle unfortunately when we got there I needed to visit the toilet and there was a lot of blood.  So we had to tell Stacey about the baby and I could tell she felt awful.  We stayed for about half an hour and then had to get the train back to re visit A&E.  I really did want to stay and be with her she is a really lovely girl and her partner seems nice too.  Anyway we got home visited the hospital and they confirmed they thought I was loosing the baby and they could not scan me till the next day to confirm this.  Well the scan confirmed I am no longer a mum but the saga continues i need to go back to hospital on Monday because my bloods still show a very high amount of the pregnancy hormone which they said should only be about 20 and mine is 528.  So god knows whats going on there just more I suppose for me to worry and chew myself about.

Today we finally managed to get all the photos together of my husbands three kids from previous relationships and our three boys.   Plus our grandchildren from his eldest daughter Stacey.  I have to say and yes I am a bit one sided on this they are really a good looking bunch all of them.  Its weird when you sit down and look at the photos and see the similarities in them all.  You pick certain features and compare and yep they are the same lol.  They all cant get their good looks from their dad its got to be the mums side hehe.  I ran around trying to get picture frames so we could put them all together.  I am very proud of my children and also of my husbands other three they all seem to be cool.  Although I don’t have much contact with two of my husbands kids I hope that may change in the future.  Its  such a shame that it always seems to be the children who suffer when relationships end in one way or another.   The only thing I long for is for my boys to know their other siblings and to have some sort of relationship with them.  I always say family is very important in life and that goes for half brothers and sisters too.  In a perfect world I suppose all errors of judgement and mistakes maybe able to be forgiven and relationships formed before its too late.

Well its half way through the summer holidays and I am still alive and semi sane, well i think I am. Isnt it amazing how when you are a kid and on your summer holidays , you feel like you have never been away from school. It seems like it took forever to get to the time when your hols were and then you blink and there over. You seemed to be able to fill them full and it was very rare that you said or even thought you were bored. Well my kids are according to them always bored and they actually want to go back to school so they can go to their new class. Even my three year old wants to go to nursery and wear his uniform. By the way he looks so cute when he does lol. It just seems like time is going so fast. I cant believe my little baby starts nursery in September wow where did that all go. I know the hols have been a bit boring for me too, I have had to go to work worst luck lol. However my husband would disagree as he has been the one to try and keep three lively young boys entertained. We haven’t really had the best of weather either, so he could not kick them out in the garden and say who can get the muddiest lol. Well I suppose after three weeks it is early days so maybe that might happen. Next week I am going to meet my step daughter and her partner again and I really am looking forward to it. I wonder how her kids are surviving the hols. I will Let you know. Oh I will say one more thing as I think I am just typing for the sake of it lol

First of all I will explain I work for a big name supermarket in the town where I live. Last night I went to work as normal. The night was a typical one with under aged kids asking or should I say attempting to buy booze. Well for a Friday it was quiet really and they decided to send some staff home so they could save on their wages bill. It got to about half eight and I was asked if I wanted to go home. Normally I wouldn’t but I wanted to get home to watch the big brother eviction sad I know but this year I am enjoying it. Anyway I go to clock out and thought I would go in the canteen and grab a drink before I head out and to my surprise I couldn’t gain entry. There was a security guard a manager and another colleague blocking the way. I was informed that there was a gas leak in the canteen. Great I thought thanks for letting me know and the hundreds of other colleagues and customers in the shop that night. They even sent the people who were going on a break into the room next to the canteen and put a note on the door saying “PLEASE DO NOT USE THE SMOKING AREA” which I have to admit I found a bit funny. I can not believe that they did not get everyone out of that building workers and customers. How little do they care about the welfare of their workers and customers but give a dam about the pound signs that register on their tills. Well it just goes to show you these firms that say they care about people they are just a bunch of liars. I just thought how easily it could of been for that place to blow up and me never see my children again and my family. How would my husband explain that  their mum wasn’t coming back. I think we are getting to a point now that we really don’t care about the person sitting next to us. I feel it is a very sad situation that we are getting like that I know I am not and I will make sure my kids give a dam about their fellow man