Coming to terms

Isn’t it amazing how we all want the perfect child. The one that is beautiful, clever, funny and well just perfect. Isn’t it even funny how we never get what we want and there isn’t such a thing as perfect anyway. After all we are all just humans full of faults and imperfections. I think what it is we think when we have a child it is so perfect a miracle to behold that we have created this little person. I know when I had my first child I looked at him in shear amazement that I had created this little person who was so reliant on me. I expected everything to be wonderful. I expected everything to come easy to me about being a mum. Well it didn’t I felt I did everything wrong. The fact I had to go back to work full time didn’t help I felt I never really bonded with him. I knew I loved him that wasn’t in doubt I just felt like I didn’t know him. My parents had to look after him while me and my husband worked. We noticed things to be not quite right with him when he was in nursery they always complained and told us he was a naughty child. I use to make excuses not to pick him up from nursery I didn’t want to hear another negative word about my child. After having a few years of lets face it negative criticism from his school and feeling they just did not like him. My son has now been given medication for ADHD. This I have to be honest is the very last thing I wanted to happen. My beautiful and special and clever and funny child to have happen to him. At the being I felt it was all my fault what had I done wrong while carrying him. Then what had I done wrong as a parent. But you know what I finally understand its not my fault and Calum is just Calum warts and all. Hopefully things will get better for him and people will be more accepting of his behaviour and that it really isn’t him being naughty its just something he cant help and doesn’t mean to do. You know before you have experienced ADHD you think it is a myth and that people use it for naughty kids to get away with their behaviour. I assure you its not it is a real problem and parents of these special children get a really rough deal and get looked at as if they are the worst possible of parents. You know what I don’t think I am a crap parent I just think I am one who is continuing to learn how to be a parent to the best of my abilities.

Funny how things happen when you least expect it

You know what I mean by this…. Things happen in life that you think are set in stone and you know its a fact, then something happens and turns it on its head. Well we have been searching for my husbands daughter that he hasn’t seen since she was a baby well guess what we or should I say she found us. She is a very pretty, very nice and a mum to three gorgeous kids. I have to say I suppose i never thought we would find her because we kept hitting brick walls when we were searching I think i had accepted we would not find her. Which I was sad because I know my husband really wanted to be in contact. Like I know he wanted to see all of his kids regardless of what had happened in the past. He has thought about his kids over the years I know this for definite. He as wondered what they look like what they are doing are they ok, you know the normal things that we all wonder about when we think of our kids. I just hope that he had regained one child at least. I know that we are not made of money so financially we cant say here you go have a blank cheque. However I hope what we can offer is more precious than money… We offer our LOVE and friendship and a ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on if ever needed. I know Stacey is not my daughter but I hope she will become something that is near to that for me. I really do want to be part of her life and her children’s if she will let me in any capacity. I love her father very much and my children and hopefully this will be the start of a great relationship for all of the parties concerned. If Stacey or any of her relatives do read this post then please believe me that we are not in touch on a temporary basis we really do want to be a constant force in your life that you can be assured is always there for you when you need us good times and bad.

Yeah I might be a mum again

Well to my pet birds eggs lol She has laid four eggs one she dropped so it cracked.  However, she has got three eggs so you never know we may have little chirps in a few days.  My boys are so excited and cant wait they want to start naming the eggs lol.  Lets hope she can look after her new family watch this space….

Wanting another child

After having had a miscarriage I have realised I really want another child.  I just don’t know if I could risk loosing it again.  I have been thinking about adopting.  I need to be a mum again I know people will think I am mad because I have three young boys.  I would love to have a daughter that’s the problem.  I want to have the girlie nights in and shopping trips.  My boys don’t want to know lol which of course is ok.  I just have this ache within me and I need to deal with it I know.  Today has been a bad day I have felt really down.  I sat in th car and cried for my lost baby.  I know other members of my family especially my husband lost a child too.  I know I am being selfish but I just cant help my feelings.  Each day I think today will be ok and I then just need someone to ask me how I am and I crumble.  Grief is a very hard thing to deal with I know I have had my share.  I wish I could erase 2007 from my life and even the start of this year its been crap.  I know I have to pull myself together but sometimes I just want to scream WHY ME ! WHAT HAVE I DONE.  I try to be a good person and treat someone right so I really don’t understand why I just keep getting more and more crap.  I feel like everyone is laughing at me.  Maybe I need to check if I have a target on my back.

Yeah success at last…….

Well I have been trying to get my little boy who just turned three to use his potty. I may add to no avail everything was dirty and he screamed, I am not use to this has my other children were out of nappies by the age of two. We tried everything to get him you know praise, promising of presents and sweets. No nothing worked. However, today I got the idea to draw a funny face inside his potty and I asked him to have a wee on it and HE DID. I thought this just might have been beginners luck but he then said about half an hour later he wanted to wee on the funny face and he did. I am not going to build my hopes up that we have cracked this overnight but things are looking good. Well done Keith you are a superstar.

Best laid plans mmmmmm

Well what can I say… I took my youngest to daycare today and mine and my husbands plan was to take the two older kids out somewhere for the morning. So after dropping my son off we took my other boys to first of all get their hair cut. Calum the eldest wanted his hair cut like James Blunt the singer and Conor wanted his hair like John conor of terminator 2. Well after the trip to the hairdressers we took them to a kids playcentre which they really enjoyed letting off steam and having fun. It was really nice seeing them running around playing and not fighting with each other. Anyway we promised them that after they had finished playing we would go into the restaurant for their dinners. Just as we are walking out of the place my husband informs me he has two missed calls off my mum. Then my mobile starts ringing it was my mum. I answered the phone to my mum sobbing down the phone. The daycare centre has been trying to contact you keith has had a fall. My stomach did a flip then I said what did they say oh he has fell and he is confused and he is loosing is balance when he tries to walk. They want you to take him to A&E. We drove straight there and by the way my other kids said does this mean we are not going to eat can we not go and eat after we get Keith. You know typical kid that only what they want matters. Well I have to say thank god my little boy was ok they said just keep an eye on him. So another day has passed where everything I wanted to get done never. However I have my son and he is ok so thats even better. The boys said so can we go tomorrow mum and bring Keith too. They remembered they had a little brother finally lol

Help

Hi to all who visit.  I would like some help in finding my husbands eldest daughter.  Her name was Stacey Fiddes she lived in the Denton Burn area of newcastle upon tyne in the UK with her mum Dawn Fiddes.  We dont know if she has been married and changed name.  We know that Stacey is roughly 22-23 years of age we know that she has got a child of her own.  We are trying to get in touch with her because her siblings are wanting to know their big sister.  We have tried these search sites but they all are wanting quite a lot of money and we really dont have the money at the min.  So if anyone can help in anyway with suggestions on how we can trace them and start contact with her or her mum.  Please Please let us know.

World of warcraft widow

Is anyone else out there a world of war craft widow.  I know I am I hope I am not the first and I definatley wont be the last.  Dont get me wrong I like playing the game now and again but to me it is not the be all and end all.  Unlike my husband at every given oppurtunity he is on his computer playing one of his characters.  I think the old saying men never grow up and boys and their toys is so very true.  If anyone should disturb him you better be ready for that look he gives the one that well how shall I say slaps you in the face.  My decorating around the house does not get done the kids need to be exra silent he needs to concentrate.  I hate the amount of time he spends playing that game.  However, I love him and if that is the only vice he has and hes not cheating on me or his kids then well I suppose I wont name the creator of world of warcraft on my divorce if it happens lol

Returning to work

Well on Thursday I am returning to work after being off for three weeks after my miscarriage.  I could have had another week off work but I think if I dont push myself I will never go back.  I have to be honest I am dreading it and people asking me how I am.  I am also dreading the fact I will get my arse kicked for losing my baby.  You see my employer will treat this as normal sick and yep you guessed it we operate a scale of sickness where I work.   So I will be sat down in a room and told how I will be getting a warning or some sort of disciplinary like that.  I so dont want to go back, unfortunately my husband isnt working at the min so I have no choice you have to keep a roof over you head and food in your kids stomachs right.  I am also not looking forward to putting on a false smile and being really pleasant to people when too be truthfull all I want to do is be alone to get everything that has gone on lately straight in my head.  Why is it I wonder that I always thought I was a pretty strong character and able to hold my own when I have realised I am not like that at all.  I so wish I could be one of these people who can just switch off their emotions and be like a robot.  Never letting anything pierce their armour and mess with their circuits.  I guess I am something I vowed I would never be…… yes you guessed it.  JUST LIKE MY MUM Arrrggggggghhhhhhh.  How cruel life can be sometimes. lol Only jokin my mum is a great person but is very emotional and I guess I am starting to be like her.  Well there is time I suppose to maybe tweek that and refine it and come out with someone who can maybe learn to handle things just a little bit better. Fingers crossed.

What a weird couple of days

Well what can I say it was my youngests 3rd birthday on 6th april and on that day unexpected my fatherinlaw and a relative turned up.  It was really nice to see them and the kids to see their grandad.  I asked him if when he went to see my husbands kids from his first marriage if he could ask for some pics.  My husband has not been in contact with them for a number of years.  Not for the want of trying may I add.  Anyway after a visit to my mums we returned and I received a phone call from my husbands ex wife and she informed me she would ring me back later about sending some pics.  Well she did and we spoke for about an hour about this and that you know small talk.  But she informed that she would send pics and could we.  After a couple of emails from my husbands daughter to my eldest she said she would love to meet her brothers and my husbands oldest child from a previous relationship.  So It was really nice to see how his kids look and how grown up and nice they look learning a bit about them.  I hope this is the start of some sort of relationship with us all here.  However,  we are finding it really hard to trace my husbands daughter everywhere wants money and to be truthfull we just dont have it at the min so if anyone has any ideas please let me know.